I stay start because by the time I had finished the 3rd paragraph I was too annoyed to continue. Those first three paragraphs read as follows:
No one likes doing chores. In happiness surveys, housework is ranked down there with commuting as activities that people enjoy the least. Maybe that’s why figuring out who does which chores usually prompts, at best, tense discussion in a household and, at worst, outright fighting. If everyone is good at something different, assigning chores is easy. If your partner is great at grocery shopping and you are great at the laundry, you’re set. But this isn’t always—or even usually—the case. Often one person is better at everything. (And let’s be honest, often that person is the woman.) Better at the laundry, the grocery shopping, the cleaning, the cooking. But does that mean she should have to do everything?Before my daughter was born, I both cooked and did the dishes. It wasn’t a big deal, it didn’t take too much time, and honestly I was a lot better at both than my husband. His cooking repertoire extended only to eggs and chili, and when I left him in charge of the dishwasher, I’d often find he had run it “full” with one pot and eight forks.
I can't tell if she is arrogant or whipped.
Was she born cooking? No, she learned, and so can he.
And he ran the dishwasher on full when it was empty? Are you kidding me?! Running dishwashers is not about talent or education. It's logic. He did that either because
a) he is lazy beyond belief, or
b) he never wants to do it again and he knew you are so arrogant (or whipped) you will fall for this false display of incompetence
Women are not "often that person" who are better at doing more things in the house. They just do them and like to pretend that they are somehow better at it. But this attitude is, frankly, sexist - you are treating your male spouse/partner as deficient or impaired - and were it mentioned with the genders in reverse there would be outcry.
Like you, I find that article irritating. I think where the author goes astray is in discussing when "one person is better at everything."
ReplyDeleteOften, one person *believes* he/she is better at everything and either does everything himself/herself or makes the other person's life so miserable with an endless set of rules and instructions and criticism that the "better" person provides every incentive for the "worse" person to stop doing chores entirely.
This sort of over-bearing behavior is common in relationships in which the man is emotionally abusive of the woman, but certainly the opposite configuration also exists. I am less inclined to believe that the dishwasher *truly* contained only one pot than I am inclined to believe that "the dumb brute didn't do it properly."
At any rate, if a bad cook takes the time to prepare chili for the family, that is a mark *in favor* of the bad cook, not a mark against him/her. Likewise, doing a few of the dishes is much better than doing none at all. Positive reinforcement - love and laughter - always result in superior outcomes. Perhaps the author should spend more time appreciating her flawed partner instead of publicly berating him in print.
Ryan - what you say is 100% correct and I thank you for bringing a good sense response , more effective than my rant. (I didn't count to 10).
DeleteAnd I agree that this dysfunctional relationship is generally demonstrative of a lack of balance in a relationship, which can exist in many ways.
This article is well-timed. Due to being limited to taking it easy for the past few weeks, especially the past few days, Jeff has had to step up and do the things he's always vaguely promised he would. Sure, normally he puts a few dishes in the dishwasher and thinks he's helped. But I end up having to spend the next hour actually filling it, washing other things, and cleaning the counters.
ReplyDeleteDue to my being in pain and unwell, he's cooked dinner for the last 3 nights in a row. Before that, he was heating up things he'd brought home. Suddenly, the night before last he went exploring in the freezer. We had duck breast and frozen fried rice the first night. Velveeta zesty southwest chicken and pasta the next. Last night, more fried rice, and some frozen prepared salmon. With practice, he could get this down!
OK, the kitchen is lagging behind. Last night he managed to half fill it. I rearranged a few things while he watched, and he saw that most of the other things on the counter could be fitted in. Next on his list of things to learn: wiping the counters. I will have to teach him how to do this, since when I moved in with him in 2009, he'd not wiped or vacuumed in the 2 years he'd lived in his condo.
This is in stark contrast to my father, who loves to put things away, clean up, stay organized, and even learned to experiment on food in the kitchen after he was no longer with my mother. My parents together ran a wonderful house. I wish my husband were not so far behind, being from a younger generation he should know more, right? For now, it is really me pulling most of the weight except when I can't (like now). Things are not accomplished for months. I can't do everything. i'm sorry for complaining. When I do tell my husband I've lost hope in him he tells me not to give up, that he can learn. I think it will be like this for the next 30 years?
Sorry for complaining, just needed to add another perspective.
It's a fair perspective - each person has his own way of balancing the work load but if you're not happy with the set up then don't accept it. Like the saying: don't ever start a job you don't want to do for the rest of your life.
DeleteLeave the dishes until he gets so fed up he does them himself? To his credit, he's doing multiple loads of laundry right now :-)
DeleteI hope you commented on the article itself too. I think you should just paste part of what you wrote:
ReplyDeleteAnd he ran the dishwasher on full when it was empty? Are you kidding me?! Running dishwashers is not about talent or education. It's logic. He did that either because
a) he is lazy beyond belief, or
b) he never wants to do it again and he knew you are so arrogant (or whipped) you will fall for this false display of incompetence
I wanted to but had to register to the site. Which is silly.
DeleteAppena lanciato il mio dishwasher, mezzo pieno ...... schiacciato un bottone a caso........ thanks god nessuno per lamentarsi :) My life is sooo easy ;)
ReplyDeleteHAHA peeeer fortuna
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